15 Signs You Forgot Secretaries Day
1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
10. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
13. Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
15. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

Absent From School Excusess
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

Creative Answering Machine Messages
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

Less Common Latin Phrases
Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!

Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island

Phrases for Work.
48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!... Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Cheerleaders
Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?

When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

Salad
Boss asks secretary "Do you know the difference between Ceasar Salad and a blowjob is?"

"No", says the secretary.

"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

A short poem for today.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Bank Teller
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"