The game of golf!
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Preparing for skiing
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Hilarious Sports Quotes!
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Golf Joke
Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.

Golf Shorts-4
1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"

3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!"
Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"

4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."

Famous Sports Quotes
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy
officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

The Duck Hunt
One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said "Hey Sir,what ya huntin?"
The man said "Ducks."

The Warden said "Did ya have any luck?"
He said "Got 3."

The Warden said "Let Me see them." The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt,smelled it and said "This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?"
The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said "Kentuky duck, got a stamp?"
The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said "Canada duck. Stamp?"
The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said "Where you from anyway?"
The man pulled down his pants and said "You're the expert, you tell me!"

Tyson Excuses!
The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"

9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"

8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!

2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"

1. He ran out of gum

Alternative Chicken
Q.-Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A.- He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!

Boxing Referee
And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, he'd start counting "10, 9, 8...."