Bud the stud!
How can you compare a Budweiser to making love in a canoe?
It's fucking close to water!

Difference
Q: What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?

A: A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

Driving in the Fog and...
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

(Blank)-gasms!
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

Awaken When Roomate Is Having Sex
Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"
49. "That would work better the other way around. ."
48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
47. "Damn, that's complicated."
46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
45. "Alright already, _I_came."
44. "You guys need a value pak."
43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."
42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,
assume the position."
35. "Bring in the Gimp."
34. "Hold that pose."
33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.
32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
31. Sing "Shake your bootie."
30. "A little to the left."
29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"
28. "Is there room for two in there?"
27. "Two words: penis extension."
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read 6. 9.
22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
21. "Maybe it would help if you. ."
20. "That's what you call erect?"
19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard. ."
18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"
16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
14. "May I cut in?"
13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
7. "Let's make a sandwich."
6. "Is that hard enough for you?"
5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
4. "I think you dropped something."
3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"
1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"

Best Pickup Lines I've Used
The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

Brand Name Condoms
Which condom would you use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it?
Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

A Hookers Life
A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.

"I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living."

Australian Kiss
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.

Baby Birds
You know that Stork's bring babys of course.
What kind of bird defiantly does not bring babys?

Swallows!