Bible By College Students
How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.

Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

Bible Study Bloopers
The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew. Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Biblical constipation
Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain wasn't Abel.
2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

Biblical Ways of Getting a Wife
The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
- Deuteronomy 21

15. Find a prostitute and marry her.
- Hosea (Hosea 1)

14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock..
- Moses (Exodus 2)

13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
- Boaz (Ruth 4)

12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
- Benjaminites (Judges 21)

11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
- Adam (Genesis 2)

10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
- Jacob (Genesis 29)

9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
- David (1 Samuel somewhere)

8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.)
- Cain (Genesis 4)

7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
- Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)

6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
- Samson (Judges 14)

5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)

4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

3. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity.
- Solomon (1 Kings 11)

2. A wife?...NOT!!!
- Paul (I Corinthians 7)

1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people.
- Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Children's letters to God
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

Dear God,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend.
(But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Church announcement bloopers!
15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.

2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Five Most Constipated people in Bible
The five most constipated people in the Bible:

1. Cain-who wasn't able.
2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.
3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.
4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.
5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

More Church Bloopers!
Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Ten Reasons Adam Was the Luckiest Man
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

Why God Doesn't Have a PhD
1. He has only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
17. He's been known to associate with prostitutes.