Have you ever seen a Ghost?
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'"

HillBilly Memories
There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.

"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"

The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."

"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."

His first church visit!
After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"

Kentucky Kid
A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad...
"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you rec'un so?"
"Why that's because your from Kentucky son." The dad responses.

The next day the kid gets home from school...
"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you rec'un so?"
"That's because you're from Kentucky son." The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door...
"Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?"
The dad looks at him and says, "No that's because you're 22."

Killed Your Rooster!
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Redneck Poetry
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Secret Gov't Project Revealed...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Souped Up Lincoln
This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, "What are those thangs?"
The driver says, "Those are golf tees".

The redneck asks, "What those are for?"
The driver says "Those hold my balls when I drive."

The redneck says, "Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!"

The dead redneck!
A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him."

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO assholes?"

"Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...
'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'

The Origin of Chapstick
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to then back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!