Cool Bumper Stickers!
1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
3) I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
4) Keep honking while I reload.
5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
8) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
9) Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
10) If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13) My wife complains I never listen to her...or something like that.
14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!
15) If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
16) Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Daffynitions!
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl:
What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo'-nee:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette urn'-a-det:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur'-gler-ize:
What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse e-klips':
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk':
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-uh-doks:
Two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize:
What penguins see with.

Diet for Stress
Diet for Stress
How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so
read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Truisms!
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

Unusual State Laws
Connorsvill,Wisconsin:
It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Willowdale, Oregon:
It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

Oblong, Illinois:
It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

Alexandria, Minnesota:
No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

Ames, Iowa:
A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana:
Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.

Newcastle, Wyoming:
An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

Illinois:
A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.

Norfolk, Virginia:
A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."

Merryville, Missouri:
Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)

Helena, Montana:
Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Carlsbad, New Mexico:
It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

Florida:
State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Cleveland, Ohio:
Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."

Tremont, Utah
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

VanGogh Family
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh

The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh

The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh

The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh

His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh

The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh

His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico .......... Amee Gogh

Another cousin who lived in Mexico ......... Green Gogh

Nephew that drove a stage coach .......... Wells Far Gogh

Aunt who was a good dancer .............. Tan Gogh

Very Short Books
Very Short Books...

1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13) Human Rights organizations in Libya
14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21) Famous Hillbilly Physics
22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23) Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24) Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25) Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
26) How to start you own part time Hospital from home
27) Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28) E-mail address directory for the homeless
29) All Night Libyan Moshe pits
30) List of Fine Wines from Iran

Very Short Lists
Very Short Lists:

1) List of Golf Courses that do not allow Doctors
2) List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran
3) List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery
4) List of Hospitals with Drive-Thru window Service
5) List of Home cures for Ebola Virus
6) List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
7) List of Catholic Abortion referral services
8) List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's
9) List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
10) List of Men's Rape assistant groups
11) List of Battered Men's Help Groups
12) List of Cuban registered voters
13) List of Libyan registered women voters
14) List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers
15) List of Libyan women lawyers
16) List of Libyan women with PHD's
17) List of Libyan Women Service Clubs
18) List of interstate Highways with no Numbers
19) List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut
20) List of People who have survived going over Niagara Falls
21) List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy
22) List of People who can whistle while drinking beer
23) List of Pregnant Men
24) List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time
25) List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games
26) List of Women who can out shoot, & skate Wayne Gregskey
27) List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings
28) List of Blind Licensed Drivers in Calif.
29) List of Midgets over 6 foot tall
30) List of living trees made of plastic

Vincent Van Gogh's relatives:
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother.............................. Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt..................................... Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle.............................. Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle.......................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach................. Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh

Warning Labels On Booze!
THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.